Sunday, May 16, 2010

My Thoughts

The thing that troubles me the worst right now is the way my heart's been feeling. Stabbing weird pains in my heart that come and go...mostly come right now as i'm typing scary. I've always worried that i've had a heart problem or something in the general area since when I was both 12/13 and 16/17 had a very weird...hard to explain thing happen where, hell they could have been super mini-strokes or something for all I know. It was like someone reached in and squeezed my heart for a few seconds then it was gone and I felt really off. The first time it happened I was fine after I ate and the rest of the day I was okay, the second time it happened I felt really shaken by it and I wasn't looking good at all. Was fine later in the day though, and of one checked anything out for it either fucking time because 'I was fine now though.' Crack team of doctors, i'm telling you. that I AM having terrifying issues, no one has any records to go on since nothing was fucking done. So starting with a brand new slate of tests that just tell me i'm iron deficient anemic. Which, according to my numbers...isn't that bad. I'm moderately anemic, but nothing serious. Which sure as fuck isn't explaining the feeling i'm getting constantly in my heart. I've always been pretty fucking inactive and i'm sure that i've weakened the hell out of my heart muscle wall, but I DID do things occasionally that shouldn't make this a huge issue, but then again being born pretty well 5 months premature, there could be a size issue or some fucking issue that never came up and bothered me until now. Also these antibiotics I took for a bladder infection fucked me right the hell up and triggered this great chain of events in the first place and they can apparently cause a whole assortment of blood issues. Hence causing anemia and who knows what else. anemia. Sigh.

The other reason i'm frustrated is because feeling and being this way right now, I can barely leave the house by myself, let alone venturing off even for a walk since I have a big phobia in my head that i'm going to up and have a heart attack and die when no one's around even though really...well fuck, a few of my friends have asked me what the hell are the chances of that happening? You're only 21. And all I can say is that shit has no age limit, my early weird experiences, and right now I don't know what my chances are because when your heart feels like someone is literally stabbing and it's a weird unexplainable feeling...that leaves me in the dark on where I stand. SO...excellent. And this paragraph was actually supposed to say that i'm frustrated I can't just cry and get over it and feel better. I can't get pierced, I can't even play pierce...nothing. Nothingggg that I love to death even though I tend to freak out a bit.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Gay Marriage

Just had a small discussion about gay marriage and why it's even an issue. Basically, regardless of how anyone words their opinion on the matter, when you say that you're against gay marriage, it's simply persecution. No ifs, ands or're discriminating and it makes me rage at just how childish it is when there are MUCH bigger issues happening in the world that need attention rather than who's marrying who...because quite honestly, why is it any of YOUR business? It keeps reminding me that regardless of age and what the world is coming to, you never get out of that 'high school mentality'.

I've had people ask me before, if it isn't a big deal why am I commenting about it then. I'm commenting on the fact that it's wrong and childish, I personally don't care if someone wants to get married to their cat, the point of the matter is that there are much bigger issues at hand than what someone else is doing in their personal life that isn't anyones business in the first place. There shouldn't be ANY issue if they want to get married because they're happy, regardless of sexual preference. I'm not much of a believer in signing a piece of paper saying you're married and THAT signifies that you love each other more than anything, but that isn't what i'm discussing right now. Everyone has their opinions on marriage and I think it's a beautiful thing if you do it for the right reasons.

Does it matter who gets married? Is their lifestyle hurting you personally somehow? Is someone elses life so much more interesting than your own you have to make a big deal about it because you clearly have nothing better to do? Hell, they won't bat an eyelash at a woman getting beaten by her husband because maybe 'she provoked him', but a gay couple wants to get married and everyone is there like it's the biggest issue in the world? Kindly fuck off for lack of better words at the moment. I think it's unnecessary and completely backwards. I think they have a better chance of keeping their marriage together than most of the straight community. Look at the divorce rates. Haha. I might add more to this later, but right now my brain isn't co-operating with putting my thoughts properly the way I want, so...

What's your opinion of it all?

Anyways, that's all I really had to say. That and I just swallowed my food wrong and now my chest hurts. Awkward and annoying. I think I need a cup of raspberry and goji berry tea and to sketch a design for a monster i'm making.

P.S- You're all beautiful. In case you weren't aware already.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Lost to Apathy

I'm in such a weird mood. My moods been going from okay to better to straight back down to terrible, to angry, to sick and tired and crying to this now really weird, bordering lost, confused and anxiety. I'm hoping I can fall asleep and things'll look better in the morning. I want to go back to my doctor but I feel almost sheepish and stupid being there every few weeks with complaints of how I'm feeling, I'm sick of going and getting no real answers, more tests and even more waiting while my brain racks up every possible thing that could be wrong with me, and the physical pain accompanying it that just seems to make my overthinking mind agree more. I've barely left the house and when I do my anxiety flips out and it makes my body feel even worse than it is already so I feel trapped in myself. I know I need to get over this myself because I'm my own worst disease but it's just so goddamn hard sometimes. I feel weak.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Unedited Dancing

This needs to be edited when I actually get the urge to, for the mean, enjoy.


They'd been walking along the beach all night, losing interest in time and place, because the beach has become only a foundation for the world they're walking through, the world they created for themselves. In this world, the sky is a limitless void of infinite possibility. It pleads for their eyes to watch its eternity unfold for them, and only them. She leaps onto his back, and he clasps onto her automatically. She knows without a doubt he wouldn't let her fall, and just thinking about it causes the smile on her face to glow even brighter. They laugh in unison, in combined elation, as the planet beneath his feet gives way to a feeling of unsurpassed comfort. Her touch brings tears to his eyes as she clings to him with a palpable, undeniable sense of trust.

Hours feel like seconds, and her heart beat begins to increase as he slowly comes to a halt. She's concerned, is he about to say something? Is there something wrong?? They were having such a pleasant walk, maybe he was getting tired and it was time for her piggy-back ride to come to an end?? She is almost stricken by disappointment, when his voice brings her back to the world they had created for themselves. "Let's... take a break, shall we?"

He slowly kneels down and lets her feet touch ground, the cool sand giving a soft tingle to her toes as she catches her balance. He quickly pulls his trench coat out from under his knees and leans backwards, resting his entire frame on the shore. Her expression is blank for a second, then the warmth returns to her face with an ecstatic grin. "Okay!" She drops down quickly and lays next to him, turning her head to stare and giggle as he wraps his arm around her shoulders and pulls her close. His touch is so gratifying and warm... Her laughter dies down as she is overcome with the feeling, the unrelenting compassion she holds for the man laying before her. His eyes are closed, he looks so peaceful... Should she disturb him, or just lay silent and absorb the moment with him? The affection in her heart, the very place her dreams are conceived, is bringing her dream to life as she watches him inhale the soothing ocean air.

She leans in, unable to control herself, and wishes to meet his lips with her own, creating a memory: an eternal kiss. Her motives are abruptly interrupted but a sudden intruder. Something cold and moist has landed on her cheek. A drop of rain? Yes, Rain! Is the sky weeping for their love to finally become one, or are the angels crying in elation for such a perfect pair of souls to finally come together? The man laying on the shore next to her doesn't even open his eyes as the rain begins to increase, and drops begin to sprinkle across his face. His mouth opens and he begins drinking in the drops that land on his tongue. She can't help but laugh, amused and at no loss of affection. She jumps to her feet with an iron grip on his arm, jerking him up and dragging him closer to the shore with her.

"Let's dance!" She exclaims with a joyous pitch. She clings onto his hand with her own, and does a twirl underneath his arm, drawing ever closer to him with a mischievous grin marked across her lovely face. "But... I don't dance,... You know that!"

She pauses, gives him a menacing look, and pokes her tongue out at him. "Well then Serge... You better learn!" She twirls back under his arm in reverse and begins dancing around him, their hands still locked together. "Come on! Dance with me!" she exclaims as she prances around him laughing innocently. He struggles to keep up with her steps, and finally kicks off his shoes and makes a subtle attempt. "I guess it wouldn't hurt to try." He says to her, all the while losing himself in her beautiful eyes. Eyes, full of joy and amusement, eyes he could gaze upon for all eternity...

Still lost in the world they gave birth too in their hearts. Not lost, but found, now that they have found each other, they need nothing more. They could find nothing more, this was the pinnacle, this was the beauty of romance coming to life. This is their world, and theirs alone. They danced for nearly an hour, laughing and occasionally cutting in with a cute, yet seemingly sarcastic remark about the others dancing abilities. Finally, Serge yearned for something new to pass the time, and lifted his dance partner up high. She wasn't sure if he was trying to pull off a fancy dance move, or hold her high where he felt she'd belonged. He held her in the air for what seemed like forever, he could not take his eyes off the angel that was staring down upon him. She was beyond beautiful, more than gorgeous, she wasn't an angel... She puts angels to shame.

"Well?" She asks, her voice bringing his senses back into focus. Stunned that he had lost himself so quickly in her beauty, he laughs ominously and begins spinning her around, letting her arms drop and wrap around his shoulders. They spin farther into the beach, spiraling toward the waters. Her feet are finally close enough to touch ground, but they splash into the ocean. They both lose balance with one another, and topple over into the waves.

Submerged. Her entire body was thrust under the current crashing into the shore, she looks around for her love but can only see pitch underneath the ocean surface. She breaks surface and glances around anxiously. Serge is nowhere in sight. She screams out to the man that she loves, but there is no response, one moment they were dancing and having the best time of their lives, the next is an overwhelming rush of worry and fright.

Arising from the waters like a stealth predator, He wraps his arms around the frightened girl and lifts her up again, backwards and wailing in shock. They tumble yet again at the undetermined shift of the waves, this time the water is too shallow to get lost in however. She yelps in a stunned, intensely frustrated tone. "You... you...---" "---scared you? Hehe."

The momentary anger is dead. She can't be angry with him, these are the most precious moments of her life. She treasures him with every ounce of her heart, unknowing that this entire night has been mutual, that his love for her could only equal, if not surpass the love she held toward him. They both smile for several seconds, lost in each others eyes... Then... It happens, they kiss becomes a reality. Unsure who had leaned in first, to which information was completely irrelevant. In this world, there is only them, no one else; nothing else. This world they had created on this night was a product of their love for one another, and with this kiss, their love become one, one with the stars... one with the universe... one with them. They were now one, and their world world would now exist for all of eternity.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


Alright, so clearly I haven't even made a post here. Hah, terrible. Not much to say...been through hell and back lately, my health isn't feeling like it's being my friend whatsoever lately. Anemic, thyroid issues, possible heart troubles and a tasty little infection to top it all off, been an excellent 3 months. Haha.

Been oddly wishing I could hang out with some of my online friends lately, it would be nice to see them and just sit by the river in the park, feed duckies and just chat over tea or coffee. ^-^

One day soon I hope. It would be awesome.