Sunday, May 16, 2010

My Thoughts

The thing that troubles me the worst right now is the way my heart's been feeling. Stabbing weird pains in my heart that come and go...mostly come right now as i'm typing scary. I've always worried that i've had a heart problem or something in the general area since when I was both 12/13 and 16/17 had a very weird...hard to explain thing happen where, hell they could have been super mini-strokes or something for all I know. It was like someone reached in and squeezed my heart for a few seconds then it was gone and I felt really off. The first time it happened I was fine after I ate and the rest of the day I was okay, the second time it happened I felt really shaken by it and I wasn't looking good at all. Was fine later in the day though, and of one checked anything out for it either fucking time because 'I was fine now though.' Crack team of doctors, i'm telling you. that I AM having terrifying issues, no one has any records to go on since nothing was fucking done. So starting with a brand new slate of tests that just tell me i'm iron deficient anemic. Which, according to my numbers...isn't that bad. I'm moderately anemic, but nothing serious. Which sure as fuck isn't explaining the feeling i'm getting constantly in my heart. I've always been pretty fucking inactive and i'm sure that i've weakened the hell out of my heart muscle wall, but I DID do things occasionally that shouldn't make this a huge issue, but then again being born pretty well 5 months premature, there could be a size issue or some fucking issue that never came up and bothered me until now. Also these antibiotics I took for a bladder infection fucked me right the hell up and triggered this great chain of events in the first place and they can apparently cause a whole assortment of blood issues. Hence causing anemia and who knows what else. anemia. Sigh.

The other reason i'm frustrated is because feeling and being this way right now, I can barely leave the house by myself, let alone venturing off even for a walk since I have a big phobia in my head that i'm going to up and have a heart attack and die when no one's around even though really...well fuck, a few of my friends have asked me what the hell are the chances of that happening? You're only 21. And all I can say is that shit has no age limit, my early weird experiences, and right now I don't know what my chances are because when your heart feels like someone is literally stabbing and it's a weird unexplainable feeling...that leaves me in the dark on where I stand. SO...excellent. And this paragraph was actually supposed to say that i'm frustrated I can't just cry and get over it and feel better. I can't get pierced, I can't even play pierce...nothing. Nothingggg that I love to death even though I tend to freak out a bit.

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